Running Scared...

I’m scared….

For God sake, I’m deadly scared…

Gosh…

What am I thinking?

What am I feeling?

I’m afraid of losing the most precious thing I have in my life right now…

I’m afraid of being left alone (again) with those scary scars on my wrecked heart…

I’m afraid of losing the love he’s been given me for all these times..

I try to keep myself totally busy but it doesn’t really work out…

I keep listening songs with a loud volume so those scary memories can’t keep running through my head but it also doesn’t work out at all…

I’m still afraid.

What am I gonna do now?

This is what I hate about happiness… about love.. about everything that I got…

That someday, however, I really have to (painfully) say “goodbye”…

Ever feel suddenly so insecure?

Ever feel suddenly so insecure?

About yourself?

Lately, I do… can’t really configure why, those bad dreams keep haunting me in the middle of my sleeping moments.

I suddenly feel so ugly, so flat, so unwanted, so….old.

For God sake, I’m just 26 by now!

What could be so old about that, huh?

Maybe it’s because of oh-so-long-story someone showed up again in my oh-so-long-story-too love life..

I feel so damn unpretty compared to her.

She’s so young, in a pretty young age of life.

So beautiful, no man can ever turn his eyes off of her.

So gorgeous, with a stunning appearance and appeal.

and very adorable in her own particular way.

And she had a huge bunch of love from him…

Yeah, dump me to the lowest ground since I have nothing to be proud of…

Sigh…

*somethin’s blinking at the corner of my screen*

“Morning, honey…”

And I suddenly remember and thank God for the grace He’s been giving me.

I realize, I might not have anything that she could has.

But he choose me at last, giving me all the feeling I could never reject, and that’s the only thing that matters for me now…

He doesn’t see the way other people may seen, because…

Love is not for beauty or color of the skin, but for a heart that is loyal within, for beauty fades and the skin would grow old but a heart that is loyal will never turn cold.

Diam...

Kadang hanya bisa diam…

Saat tak ada yang mampu dimengerti…

Saat hanya bisa mencoba memahami…

Mencari sedikit arti…

Yang tak kunjung ditemui…

Tuhan, Apa kabar?

Tuhan...

Apa kabar?

Sudah lama rasanya kita tidak bercakap-cakap seperti biasanya...

Apakah Kau baik-baik saja di atas sana?

Rasanya memang demikian...

Aku yang di bawah ini lah yang masih belum tentu baik, bukan?

Ah...

Aku sedang mendengarkan lagu pujian yang berjudul "Semua Baik".

Kau tentu tau lagu itu bukan?

Pasti, karena banyak yang menyanyikannya setiap beribadah.

Ingin rasanya aku sungguh-sungguh percaya bahwa semua yang terjadi dalam hidupku sekarang ini baik...

Benarkah memang demikian, Tuhan?

Lalu mengapa kadang masih ada luka, masih ada kecewa, masih ada airmata?

Apakah itu semua juga baik?

Aku tau, hidupku ini ada di tanganMu.

Tapi, apakah memang jalan yang aku lalui sekarang ini sesuai dengan rencanaMu?

Bagaimana caranya supaya aku bisa tau?

Jika memang aku salah jalan, maukah Kau memberitahuku jalan kembali agar semuanya kembali jadi baik seperti yang sudah Kau rencanakan dari semula?